apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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