oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
