I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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