Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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