"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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