A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
