Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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