Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
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Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
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Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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