This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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