Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
