I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
