just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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