I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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