He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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