just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
