I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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