So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
