I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
