Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
