Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
