I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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