i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
