I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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