Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
