dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
