Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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