I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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