At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
