I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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