The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
