i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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