Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Come see our sink grown plant.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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