Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
