I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
