shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
