On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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