is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just sucked dick on a ferry
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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