Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
