i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
