The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
