if you like me you must not know who I am
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
