An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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