Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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