She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
