if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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