Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
