I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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