well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
