I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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