I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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