i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Ladies don't puke and tell
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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