I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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