I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
