Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
