apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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