At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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