First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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