So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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